Yesterday, in Sunday School, my teacher unknowingly caused me to embark on a personal journey, and it was by asking me to do something so simple: stand in the middle of the room.

Instantly, I had my inner child quiver and fearful, insecurity about took control, but I was able to somewhat control it, by humor - making an awkward situation funny somehow. Anyway, in that 30 sec to a minute blip of  being out of control - the feelings and emotions I went through was quite estonishing. I was nervous, self-absorbed, insecure, wanting to hide to the farthest corners of the room, or just simply let the floor open up and swallow me whole. And then all to quickly the exercise was over.,and then onto our lesson for the morning.

As I was pondering what all happened that morning, I realized something: I am not as mature as what I thought! I know, shocking isn't it! But really, my spiritual life is not very mature and even though I have recognized my identity in Christ, I apparently still have some things to work on in my view of how Christ sees me, and how I actually stand before Him through His eyes.

In Sunday School, we were talking about being Holy, being set apart from the world. As my teacher was talking, something clicked. We are Holy because He is holy - that is my identity. I am strong and confident because He is strong and confident IN me. It is nothing that I have done or am doing, it is all because of His strengths, and His holiness, and His kindness, that I am any of those things. It's interesting that we as humans get so tied up in the small things, like our outward appearances, or our approval of our peers, or by anyone really. Why do we wrap our self worth and our identity up in things that will over time decay or fade away? I CAN stand boldly in a room without insecurity, without fear, and without intimidation because of Jesus Christ and who I am IN Him. He is my identity, He is my very core.

The gospel of Christ really is very simple: we just try to make it so much more complicated than it really is.

If I can fully wrap my mind and heart around this concept those little insecurities will fade away, because I know and can firmly put my feet on the solid ground that is Christ. I don't need to doubt myself because in doubting I doubt the mercy and grace of Christ in me. This also takes humility, because I realize that in my self without Christ I am nothing, I am that scared, insecure, timid child before I met Christ. But now that I have followed after Christ, allowed Him to take control of my heart, I can stand bold, confident and assured because of Christ.

So, when Christ asks me to 'be Holy' it simply means to allow His holiness to flow through me -to  stand in His identity of Holiness, not what I perceive Holiness is to be - I stand confidently in Him. I can do nothing without Christ, I am nothing without Christ, but with Him, in Him I am all that He sees me as. His child, His daughter, being molded into His image. I can boldly enter a room with all of His grace, His confidence, and if I become insecure that means I've lost sight of Who He is in me. He is my identity.

O how I love Jesus! O how I love Jesus! O how I love Jesus because He first loved me!

Contentment

Well here it is almost midnight but my heart is burdened and the only way I know how to unburden some of the ache it feels is to pour it all on paper.  I thought I was going to write an article going in a specific direction, but the Lord has just impressed upon my heart to go in a different direction, with one word being the focal point– contentment.

I know I write this in the wake of the appalling and heart wrenching conditions in Connecticut, it’s just amazing to see how one actually views life and what is truly important.

 I know for me, ashamedly, I admit that complaining is one of the battles I fight. I can complain to God about how I don’t have a nice enough home, how I don’t have the money that I want so I can spend it on the things I want,  how the yard doesn’t that look immaculate – you know the one that doesn’t have toys spread across the lawn, the makeshift castle that my children built with pieces scattered throughout the yard, or patches of mud where my kids decided they were going to have mud wars that causes only patches of green grass all throughout my yard. Yet, as I take a step back and look at my life again, through the eyes of Christ, (its amazing how well He can see things in such greater perspective) I realize, I wouldn’t change a thing.

My children are my greatest blessings in this life – and if I never have another nice new shiny object – I think I will be okay with that.  I can get so caught up in not being content I forget to look around at all the blessings the Lord truly has given me; and the interesting thing is that He doesn’t just give blessings in the form of finances – it’s in love, security, joy, and peace. To hear my children’s laughter every day, to feel their hugs each morning and night, and numerous times throughout the day is just too invaluable for me to ever part with. Fancy house or not – nothing compares to having little arms about my neck and the sweet whisper of, “Mommy, I love you.”

So as I go into this Christmas holiday – I must remember that contentment has a huge part to play. Wasn’t it Christ who was content to be born in a manger, so far away from home, from all the praise, glory, and honor He truly deserves, just to be with me – me - the imperfect and sometimes downright ugly human being – just so He could show me His heart and His unfailing love?

          A lump has now filled my throat at all the times I have wasted complaining. Christ didn’t come so that I could complain about how things don’t go my way – He came to give me, everyone, life and life more abundantly. He is Christmas. He is our reason to celebrate. So hug those around you, let’s be content with what we have, and we will see the love of Christ in a way we’ve never seen Him before.

Open our eyes Lord – helps us to look out of our own little life bubbles to those around us, help us to embrace all that You want us to have – love, joy, peace, and knowing that all these come from a contented heart. My heart aches for those families who have lost their precious little ones  -so let us be mindful of the real reason we celebrate life –not for materialistic perishable things -but rather for the loved ones we hold close. So hug your loved ones a bit tighter and may that love always remain constant in the forefront of our minds.

John 9:10b “I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it ^[a]overflows).”

 God doesn't promise us wealth as in material things - He does promise us life and a life full of joy to overflowing. So my question: Do I want materlistic things that won't bring me joy, or peace, or would I rather have peace, joy and contentment? I think I want what He wants to give me. :-)

Tonight my sister-n-law and I were in our Bible study, and though we talked about many good things, there is one thing that stood out to me. It was about God's character to us. The Israelites treated and continue to treat God disrespectfully, yet He is faithful to them, because that is Who He is. The Israelites are His people, and He is faithful to His own. For us who have called on the name of Jesus - we are adopted into His family, and we are now heirs of the King of Kings, and no matter what we do or don't do, God is faithful to us, simply because He cherishes and takes care of His own. I know I have read this over and over, and know that God is faithful, but for some reason tonight, it touched a nerve in my heart. Understanding this on a deeper level only  deepens my devotion to God because of His love towards me. 

I am His. Nothing can change that. He will be faithful to me because that is His character. What an amazing and loving Father I have. I can't even begin to fathom His great love towards me, little O me. I gave Him the reigns to my heart when I was 13yrs old, and I have grown to love Him more and more each day, but it can still not ever compare to the great love He has just for me, and for all those Who call upon His name for salvation. This little thought completely humbles me, because who am I really that God would send His Son to die just for my sins? Just so that I can be a part His family, so that He can lavish His love on me. "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound Amazing Love now flowing down from hands and feet that were nailed to the tree. Amazing grace now covers me!"

Grace Flows Down by Christy Nockels (Lyrics)

Trust, Faith - hmm... seems as though I have been through this lesson. 

Why O why God are you taking me through this yet again? Maybe it's to 'relearn' the lesson I went through before, or maybe it's that He's taking me into a deeper level to learn more about faith and trust. Whichever it is, I just hope I'm a better pupil than I was years before. It seems that the verse that is ever present in the back of my mind is Psalm 37:23-25  "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread."

As I read that passage yet again, I am reminded of my daughter, my youngest daughter. She's only two and can walk and run quite well, however there are times when she's unsure of her steps and reaches out to grab my hand. And I'm there to take her hand and guide her over the 'rocky steps'. This is Christ to me. My family is about to embark on a new yet scary journey - my husband is wanting to change careers. It's amazing how much money is such a security until it's taken away. I am learning to know what it means to trust and have faith in God that He will do as He says in His word. He will take care of the godly, those that desire to follow in His footsteps and walk in His will. He is to me what I am to my daughter. He won't let me fall, He won't let my family fall. He is faithful to take care of His own, and I have to simply trust in Him, and at times can be harder because I take my eyes off the cross and begin looking at the mighty gigantic waves about to crash over me. Yet somehow they don't.  We have the funds to supply all our needs - the waves are kept at bay. My God keeps them at bay. It brings tears to my eyes to know that this great and powerful God is truly watching over me and my family. He cares that much about my little somewhat insignificant life.  " He delights in every detail of their lives... for the Lord holds them by his hand..." So yes I can trust Him, I can lean on Him and I can believe that what He says He will do. I just need to keep my focus on the Cross and not the waves.

Song that has been on my heart for months now is: His eye is on the sparrow.

thoughts of a mom

Hmm, again as I lay my head on my pillow, thoughts seem to flood my mind. All the things that I didn't get done that day, or what I should of done in this situation or that situation, but mostly my mind is on my children. Hmm... passing thought - I wonder how many times my name and face flood Christ's mind... Anyway, my children come to my mind and then the questions come: Am I teaching them correctly? Are they understanding what I'm teaching them? Am I doing a good job as a mom? What can I improve upon? How can I love them more? Question after question fills my mind, till tears well up in my eyes. My children are simply my everything - my life's pursuit and I simply cannot fail them. It's astonishing to me how anyone can raise children without falling on their knees in prayer daily. How do parents raise children without seeking Christ - maybe I'm just weak that way. However, I do know this, the prayers I used to pray when I was single - Lord make me a diamond so that when others see me, they see You, is still the prayer that resonates almost every night. 'Lord please make my life a living example of You and of Your love, so that my children will see You in me. Even now as I write this, tears fill my eyes, and a lump comes to my throat. This is my life's calling - to raise my children in a way that they would want Jesus in their lives - not by force - but because they can see His love through me. I do not claim to have all the knowledge in the world, or the that I am the best scholar, or even the greatest mother, but I have to keep striving for my childrens' sake.  I always thought that my greatest calling would be to become a missionary to another place, but really my greatest calling are my children.

So Lord, here I am calling out to You for your wisdom, kindness, compassion and love to run completely through me, so that when my children look at me, they see You in me. Walk with me daily, every minute of every day, so that I may learn Your ways of how to be a better parent to the children You have entrusted to my care. Amen.

Lets see...

Hmm, I think I will try out this blog thingie out - not sure how successful I will be at it, or if anyone would even be interested in reading my ramblings but here goes. I'm rolling up my sleeves, and commencing to type, so this  should be fun at least. :-) I'm not sure I will have much time for it either, what between raising three toddlers, keeping my home in order, and going to school for a teaching degree, but hey I'm gonna give this a whirl! :-)

I don't consider myself a very interesting person, but I do like to share what Christ teaches me in the moments when I am actually learning from the life lessons He gives me. So as I begin to write down my thoughts, my question is this: When do we get to old for Christ?  There was a song I was singing by Avalon entitled, 'I don't wanna go'. And the essence of the song is saying that I don't ever want to walk a road where Christ is not present, or go down a path that leads me away from Him. As I said before I am a mother to three small children, and when one of them gets hurt, feels sad, or happy, or tired, they always come to momma - the one person they know will give them comfort. It's amazing what I can learn from my children. They do adventure out on their own, exploring the world around them with big wide open eyes, but they never go far from where I am at. I think this is what our relationship with Christ needs to be, always seeing Him through the eyes of a child and never letting Him out of our eyesight. We do adventure out on our own a bit, but we need to also run right back to Him. He's excited to see what new adventure we have learned, or when we come Him because our hearts are heavy or when we're sad and even happy. It's amazing to me how wonderful He is at being a parent, no matter what our age. 

For me Christ is real, His love for me is real, His communication with me is real, and that's just not something I want to loose... ever. So if that makes me like a child, with a child-like faith, I'd gladly accept the role vs a grown up who doesn't have time for Christ and His ways.